Monday, September 16, 2013

Faith and Hope

  May 30th 
Happily I awoke this day with the anticipation of my first Dr. Appt. As I went about my morning of chores and getting the kids ready to drop off at their grandmas. I suddenly felt in the back of my mind a sense of sadness. I told myself Im just a worry wort and soon my fears will be taken away when I hear the sound my baby's heart beat on the monitor. Thinking maybe I will even get to learn the sex of the baby. (I had found this site that 90% proved if the placenta was on a certain side you could discover the sex of the baby) Yet I still could not get out of my mind the numerous dreams I had had of miscarriage and fear and of the lack of pregnancy symptoms up till now. I didnt feel pregnant until about a week before my appointment. Then I was dead sick. It doesnt help that the drive to the clinic is thirty min. away. I fought with my mind the whole way. (I know now something or someone was trying to prepare me). As I lay in on the exam table in what felt like the quietest silence (if that is even possible) there could be. The dr. was panning between two figures...yes I said two, Two babies ! my heart flipped and fell at the question my Dr. then broke the silence with. "Are you sure your dates are correct " I knew this was not good. Why were they so small? Why were my babies not moving? Why was there no little flutter in their chest?... So many question came from that one question. Yet I just laid there I could not say anything. I felt sick. The Dr. then again broke the silence. "I do not see any sign of life" ... "I do see what looks like two however..." How could this be I asked. I have no signs of a miscarriage. The Dr. went on to tell me about a missed miscarriage as I went in to a fog.  

 A Missed Miscarriage; A missed miscarriage, also called a silent miscarriage, can happen in any pregnancy. After conception, a fertilized egg (ovum) implants in your uterus (womb). Sadly, it's then that something goes wrong, and the pregnancy doesn't continue.It's called a missed miscarriage because you won't realize that anything has gone wrong. You may not have had any of the usual signs of miscarriage, such as pain or bleeding. Your body may still be giving you signals that you are pregnant, though if your hormone levels are falling, those signs may lessen slightly. Your breasts may feel less tender, or you may find your pregnancy sickness has stopped sooner than expected.

I dont remember everything the Dr. told me that day. All I could think about was. Twins, I was pregnant with twins and I find out the day I find out they are already dead. Im pregnant with dead babies. This kept going through my mind. How was I going to tell my husband? How could I make that call? What would I say? When would I lose them? so many questions I didnt have answers to.

April 8th marks a very exciting happy day for me. April 8th is the date I found out I was expecting again... Little did I know what was to come would be the hardest experience I would ever go through. How I felt on this date is how I expected to still feel; happy, excited and blessed.  I didnt expect I would have to be making that extremely hard phone call to my husband. I didnt expect to be sitting alone in the church praying that it wasnt true. That they just made a mistake on the ultrasound. That how can I still feel pregnant and be having a miscarriage. Yet in the back of my mind I knew. I knew before I stepped foot in the clinic something wasnt right. Yet how does that make it any better.

June 6th Still pregnant with my twins. I was in for another ultrasound. I prayed so very hard the last couple of days a week to be exact. I feared the worst. I braced myself. Saw my lil jelly beans on the screen. "No change" were the the words uttered by my Dr. How could this be happening to me? My worst fear was confirmed. Yet I still felt pregnant. No signs nothing other than what the Dr. told me. My twins had passed. What was next? How can I just wait?

June 10th still pregnant and very emotional and tired from lack of sleep and anxiety over  the fear of losing my twins in the shower drain or the toilet. How will I know when? How will it happen? I cant have my babies fall in the toilet. I wanted to honor their birth not fear it. I was afraid to leave the house. I looked pregnant and felt pregnant. How could I face people? Calls came in everyday from my mom asking if all was well. Knowing the her reasoning was just to find out if I lost them yet. I couldnt stand it anymore. Pregnant and Dead were two words that I just could not shake from my head. How can they be gone if  I still had no signs of a miscarriage? How could they only be 7wks in size and I be 12wks pregnant? I needed answers I needed closer. I called and scheduled a D&C.

June 11th a day I dont like to remember but I will never forget. Checking in to the hospital. This isnt the way we were suppose to be having our twins. One more ultrasound to confirm they had passed. Actually showed bleeding behind a placenta. Not positive (mostly because every word uttered that day is a blur) but I think that meant possible placenta abruption. This day I finally felt the closer I needed. My husband and I named the twins just before the surgery. Faith and Hope. Even though we didnt know their sex we felt that it was fitting. We requested their remains so we could have a proper good bye with family.

June 13th on the two year anniversary of my FIL's passing we buried our twins. Faith and Hope were buried over their grandpa (papa). I sense of peace filled my heart.

I will never forget these two lil angels that touched my life so briefly. Its been three months now and its just as hard as it was the day I learned of their passing. I loved these little lives even though I didnt get to meet them. They will forever be in my heart. I still have my moments but I try and think of the time I first found out I was pregnant with them; the happiness I felt. Looking back I knew pretty early on that things werent right. Im sure it was someone trying to prepare me for what was to come. I even had had the feeling it was twins. Its the weirdest and worst feeling to be right.

I still have a lot of healing to do. But I do like I said have this sense of peace now. Praying for all of those who have lost a child. The worst thing anyone has ever had to go through... I want this in my house!!!